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Well, here we all again, back in the land of non-stop moaning. I'd
hardly stepped over the threshold after a fab hol in Spain (please spare me the PC
lectures about how some people can't afford it) grateful to see that the threshold was
still intact, when Problemo Numero Uno surfaced. For some time now a large G and T on the
patio has been accompanied by the sound of Force 10 Hip Hop, usually building to a Grand
Finale Crescendo round about 4am. Yes, I do know Stokey's not the wilds of Norfolk and
that I've had the odd Patricia Routledge moment on this subject before. But believe me
we're talking Entertainment To Smoke Crack To here.
No-one has been able to locate the source apart from a concerted neighbourly effort
narrowing it down, via a complex grid of wind directions and planet conjunctions, to the
flats on Yoakley Road. Did you know that Hackney Council don't have an Environmental Noise
Squad anymore? No dosh. We're on our own again, folks. The local community policeman has
been very sweet and promised to go round and 'have words' as soon as we can get him the
exact address. But I've declined to go on the street rota for roaming the estates at dead
of night looking for socially inconsiderate drug addicts with dreadful taste in music. I
know. No bottle, me. Where's my spirit of adventure, eh ?
I don't know if it's the post-holiday lull or what but Church Street seems very odd at the
moment. Children's store Encore looks like the Draper's Record equivalent of the Marie
Celeste with kebab shop flyers littering the entrance and wonky posters for long lost
socialist causes peeling at the window. I marched my daughter off for new term shoes only
to stop dead in my tracks. Encore wasn't just a shop for Stokey parents but a community
resource/advice centre/notice board for after school classes, childcare, babysitters et
al. A lifeline's been severed. What's happened ? Why the swift exit? Where's Jan? Is
anyone taking over? I've heard various dark rumours drifting on the wind so I think we
should be told.
Another odd thing. Has anyone managed to locate the new hairdressers apparently called
Shine ? A sweet girl was out distributing glossy cards like confetti the other day
offering discounted barnets akimbo. But there's not a curling tong or lip in sight at the
address given on Church Street. Are we talking one lone crimper here have scissors plus
attitude will travel? Please come forward we, who only exist to have our hair done,
need you. Competition's a good thing. Ooops sorry, forgot where I was for a moment.
Answer. On the 73 bus yesterday which lurched to a shuddering halt five times, my own
personal journey record, between Church Street and Newington Green as a deeply aggressive
bus conductress tried to eject a mind bogglingly offensive passenger. Do they have to
apply the brakes that hard ? If you lost a pair of dentures, I've got them, embedded in
the back of my jacket.
So at least some things never change while you're off visiting N16's ex Advertising
Manager now ensconced amidst the beauty of Andalusia. I tell you people, glorious weather,
stunning scenery, huge houses for 80 grand, decent plonk at £1 a bottle and not a bloody
bin bag in sight. 'Come on you must miss something about Stokey?' I pleaded through pursed
mouth. 'Friends ??'
She shook her head. 'Why should I? Everyone's coming out here.' I rest my case for this
issue.
