p15

Bit of a short one this issue, as I’ve been out of the loop for a while. I don’t know where you spent the summer but for me it was two months on the Sussex coast and coming back in to Stokey was a big slap in the kisser. All my friends say the same. Their hearts sink at the state of the place.So it’s Decision Time Chez Heal.

But first get inside your own front door. Fighting my way through mountains of pizza leaflets, Indian takeaway menus and burglar alarm estimates, I found several red and inflamed envelopes. Ripping them open – ‘Christ what have I forgotten to pay this time ?’ – I discover that Miss Lynn Watts has been up to her old tricks again.

Who is Lynn Watts? You tell me. There’s a drink in it for you. I’ve written about the scams which abound in N16 where various ne’er-do-wells purloin your address. But Lynn Watts is the Godmother of them all. Roughly a year ago she registered her car at my address. Now, I don’t drive, have never passed my test and never owned a car. But for months I’ve been plagued by fines, penalties and court appearance dates because La Watts has done everything from parking half way up Nelson’s Column, belting through every red light in North London with a cheery one- fingered wave and Congestion Charge – what Congestion Charge ? Ask Sue Heal for it. Half my life has been taken up with mopping up this mess and convincing those lovely polite Welsh people in Swansea that I’ve never even heard of the bloody woman.

But during my summer in Sussex events moved on apace. The bailiffs had called; they were coming back with a van and locksmith next week. Transport for London can eventually get the message, as can the DVLA and Horseferry Magistrates Court. But Hackney Council Parking Penalty Department are impervious. 

They can smell blood. It’s mine not hers but, hey, let’s not argue semantics. Despite acres of letters, faxes, phone calls in various states of mounting hysteria Hackney are copperbottom determined to send the boys round. Hackney Council must pay a fortune to bailiffs and how far does it actually get them? I know people who’ve been a tad late with their council tax – can’t get through to the relevant department to say ‘cheque’s on its way’ – and the next thing they know two brick shithouses with no necks are on their doorstep.

Presumably those who can’t pay can’t pay anyway, regardless of quickfire, heavy-duty threats. It’s all so crass, disorganised, traumatic and unnecessary. Direct the thousands of pounds being paid to these firms into sorting out the problems at source. Each time Hackney send the boys round to seize Lynn Watt’s goods and chattels, the bailiffs are bunging on another whacking fee.

Well, they’ve admitted it at last. Hackney are seeking damages and costs from the architects of Clissold Leisure Centre. The place has been a cock-up par excellence since it opened 18 months ago. But once again it’s throwing good money after bad. I suppose lawyers are heavily involved creaming off another layer of everyone’s hard earned cash? Who hired these architects in the first place ? Why didn’t they spot it was all going pearshaped.? I’m no Richard Rogers but give me the chart and even I could measure an Olympic sized swimming pool.

And now a plug. I strolled into Shine the other day, the new Holistic Hair and Alternative Therapy shop on Church Street, and very spanking it is, too. They were giving out free Indian head massages and my shoulders were up round my ears. I also gave their Shiatsu a try out – I’m very keen on a drop of Shiatsu. I left blissed out. It’s a great place, very serene in that tranquil, slightly spooky way that alternative places are. Even a slight raising of the voice would rattle the rafters. Everyone’s wearing an all - knowing , greatly understanding half smile all the time. I did enquire about getting the barnet done but the brochure says they only use hair colourists which are kind to the environment. I’m not sure they cater for my two bottles of Domestos look. My last stylist wore a World War One gas mask.