Ever since the first amoebae winked at each other in murky depths we've all been trying to figure out how to persuade someone to give us a second look. This most complex of centuries finds us more bewildered than ever. So, as we richchet around life's pin-ball machine, here's an insight into the female pyche for male readers hoping to catch the eye of someone special, and some tips on following through.

WOMEN - THE DARK CONTINENT
1. Most women aren't gold diggers who want you for your credit card or your sperm - or
ballbreakers holding you to account for every lousy thing men have ever done. No matter how fulfilling our jobs/friends/book groups, most of us find it impossible to resist clambering back on board the whirligig of love, sooner or later. 

2. Lots of us enjoy listening to In Our Time but can still appreciate the necessity of spending a whole Saturday looking for a pair of shoes.

3. The male mood rarely alters without outside stimuli. You may have noticed that female chemistry is a tad more unpredictable. Some mornings we wake up capable of brokering peace in the Middle East, and on others we discover Bertha Rochester staring back at us from the bathroom mirror. I realise this can cause confusion and, on occasion, upset but at least it adds some spice - so why not join us in embracing our complexity?

MEN - THE ISLE OF DOGS
Where shall I begin? The charmer who exited through the gent's, leaving behind his date with the bill and no transport home? The sensitive, creative one who, whilst trying to retrieve his girlfriend, mentioned a vacancy as his concubine, or perhaps the tycoon who, unprompted, reassured me that although he'd had the snip, once his daughter was old enough to give birth we could be grandparents together? But why dwell on past disappointments? When it comes to this relationship malarkey we've all got grisly tales to tell. Westward look, the land is bright! Let's turn instead to the all-important first step - dating. Courage, mes braves.

WHERE?
Stokey has many fine eateries but your best bets are Church Street's mellow cafes. Why not fall into conversation with that nice-looking girl who's been asked by Milo and Saffron's' parents to move to the table next to the toilet because they need more space to bray about their fascinating lives? Bookshops are another wonderful venue. You already have something in common, you can impress by making erudite enquiries of the manager and of course it's an atmosphere conducive to soft voices and backing into people accidentally.

Fresh & Wild - whatever your ideal, she can be found amidst the quinoa. From tie-dyed greenies working for obscure charities to media babes popping in between meetings. The long queues offer a chance to discuss ditching the debt or pitching your series idea. There's even a café for meeting under-employed actresses who've saved up for a cup of coffee.

Once you've arranged a rendezvous:

DO:
. show up - no, really
. wash (I can't emphasise this strongly enough)
. wear clean clothing (she'll have bought a new top so make an effort too) 
. be yourself: just as no decent man really minds a bit of cellulite or that she's over 21, most women will forego a pretty face for a kind heart and someone listening (rather than waiting for her to shut up so he can say something)

DON'T:
. beards and designer stubble are very wrong
. cowboy hats, cowboy boots and those string tie thingies
. listing what you own and your net worth
. saying you're a pilot when you're a postman - statistics show girls like postmen, too

AFTERWARDS:
. Don't say you'll call if you don't mean it
. If you said you'd call and think better of it 
. If you really like each other, don't leave it three days. Call her in the morning. Just to say hello.

TO CONCLUDE:
Gentlemen: Relax. With a little attention to detail, you can win the heart of a splendid woman who will enhance your existence no end. 
Ladyees: If he asks about your hopes and dreams, to avoid him bounding off into the undergrowth, remember this ancient Chinese wisdom: 'How to rid kitchen of beautiful butterfly? Tell it you want a committed relationship and a baby.'

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