By Mortimer Ribbons
No fashion tips this issue, except to note that the female
population has shrunk lately. Experts are undecided whether this
vogue for flat shoes is a return to traditional values, a by-product
of a buoyant housing market, or the mass emergence of a ballerina
complex.
They’re saying on the radio that it isn’t money that
makes us happy anymore. We’re getting more stuff but we’re
not getting happier. Which is worrying, because I was always taught
that the boy who dies with the most toys wins the game. And the
girls were led to believe that if only they bought enough clothes
and shoes, Prince Charming would come and take them away. It’s
why we set up a clothes shop, and so far the system’s served
us well. But now, apparently, it’s time to re-think.
If it’s not money or stuff, then what could it be? Fortunately,
the Government’s looking into happiness for us, and Tony’s
preparing legislation. Diane’s setting up a bunch of focus
groups to consider the question in the Caribbean, and Jules is going
to spend seventy million of our pounds on a new Town Hall –
to make sure all that money won’t make us miserable.
All the recent electoral candidates seemed to feel that it’s
good local services that make local life worth living, and they
all had their own ideas for turning Hackney into a haven of happiness.
Hettie got my vote – one of them anyway – for forcing
the cops to move in with us whether they want to or not. I didn’t
understand why I had to put three crosses on one form and two on
another, but I thought I’d give her a second one for sending
traffic wardens off to ward the traffic rather than hanging around
to collect money.
I gave the Lib Dem bloke a cross for scrapping Hackney Today, and
I awarded the rest of my votes to the Greens because I’m a
fervent recyclist. I support the Mayor of London’s Recycling
Initiative and I have been campaigning to get Ken melted down and
recast as a public servant – rather than a self-serving publicist.
I’m disappointed that the Greens stopped short of banning
cars and vans and bringing back the horse and cart. It’s a
shame, because we could do with some genuine shit on the street
to cover all the chewing gum and chicken bones.
The Labour candidates didn’t seem to make any promises. They
said, quite reasonably, that no-one’s going to vote them out
so they’re not going to bother. (Except to re-open the Clissold
Leisure Centre, which everyone always has to promise for the sake
of form.) Perhaps we could call it the Emirates Pool – it
worked for Arsenal, didn’t it?
I see we’ve won a London Boroughs Cycling Award. It must
be true because I read it in Hackney Today. (If we really have to
spend 250 grand on a propaganda sheet then perhaps we could print
it on rolls of supersoft so it truly serves the community?). I imagine
we got the cycling award by not having a tube and by making the
bus unbearable. I asked TFL how come, whenever I walk past a 73,
there’s a mere handful of people flopped out on the seats,
but, as soon as I get trapped inside one, we’re all crammed
in the aisles like cattle and there’s vomit running in the
gunnels? TFL were patient and helpful. They explained that the service
was designed for people who had had their bikes nicked lately, and,
to avoid disappointment, they suggested I avoid peak periods and
try to travel at times when I didn’t need to go anywhere.
So I’m wondering if I live in N16 just because I can’t
get out. Church Street’s got all these sinister new lights
lurking under orange plastic hoods, biding their time before bringing
the whole area to a permanent grinding halt. Not that there’s
any hurry because the Hump Development Board have targeted strategic
crossroads and jammed all escape routes. My Polish is poor but I
think the guys doing the humping believe they’re here for
the duration. The only way out is South, into the Exclusion Zone…
What I want to know is why should we pay to go into the centre
just because we live round the edge? Houses and flats are worth
a lot more inside the Zone, and the people who live there get to
ride around almost for nothing on traffic-free roads. Which makes
their property worth even more. The 8 quid charge is another way
of taxing the poor to subsidise the rich. My idea that I put to
Ken is to turn it all around and charge the rich for leaving the
Zone. He’s very interested, apparently, and wants to know
if he can run both schemes concurrently.
There’s a lot of things I want to know. What happened to
the Health Centre opposite our shop? Why have the Council evicted
all the acupuncturists and left the building to rot for several
years? Why did they evict the Sea Cadets and leave the building
empty? Why has the Scout Hall closed on Bouverie Rd? Why did my
jewellery course get cancelled?
I’ll have to ask Islington that because Hackney doesn’t
fund any Adult Education courses. In fact Hackney doesn’t
fund an awful lot of things, and I think we all might like to know
how many nursery schools, sixth forms, sports facilities, adult
education courses and useful social services could you get out of
the 70 million for the new Town Hall?
Mortimer is CEO of Ribbons and Taylor on Church Street
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