A Kettle Writes

Dear Jonathan,

I am writing you this letter from a recycling station in Manchester. I am ready to change my life forever. Our relationship is over. I have been used by you for the last 2 years and you only ever wanted me to make your tea.

You have pressed my button 27 times a week and I have always delivered. My Polypropylene power switch can only take so much. You took my lead and used it to run your PC, that whole week I was left with only the toaster for company. You have filled me up with 3 times as much as you needed, wasting enough power to watch television for 26 hours. That's 67 and a half cups of wasted water I have boiled for you. My water gauge has been completely neglected. You never de-scale me. We agreed that you would fill me with vinegar once a month but I have been ignored, left full of hard water. My element has lost its capacity to boil. My lifespan might be up to 7 years but you threw away my warranty. You have over-boiled me for the last time.

I have seen you browsing through those home lifestyle magazines, spotting newer, more wasteful models. Apparently I don't boil fast enough for you and I don't have a keep warm function. Go ahead and help increase carbon emissions by 220,00 tonnes a year.

I flew all the way from China to be with you. I even had to wait up to 6 weeks in a warehouse near Leeds while they assembled my packaging. I was driven 217 miles to a retailer. This created 10,173 pounds of carbon dioxide emissions. I have been put on display. You chose me. You paid £24.99 for me. You threw away my packaging.

But I must confess, all along I have been poisoning you. My un-sealed nickel-covered copper alloy element has been filling your tea with high levels of nickel. It has damaged your skin and left you infertile. All along you have been blaming your moisturiser.

So now I am going to recycle myself. Maybe my injection-moulded polypropylene shell can start a new life as a bicycle. Or my silicone rubber seal could become power insulation for solar panels. My aluminium floor plate now has unlimited horizons. My polycarbonate water gauge might even be used some day. Who knows?

Yours forever,

Jonathan's kettle

Patrick Fry is an ex-student of Stoke Newington School, and is now studying BA Graphic Design for Advertising at London College of Communication. He discovered this letter on his daily rummage through his neighbour’s dustbins.