|
p22
 The Hackney Empire is packed. Stoke
Newington mums and dads have brought their children to see some of the finest actors from
the Labour Party Repertory Company. They have also come to boo and cheer as the characters
offer themselves as the new mayor of London.
The curtain rises. Centre stage we see the Fairy Princess Glenda, glittering in a costume
handstitched in Hampstead. She will not be taking her kit off tonight as she did in the
Ken Russell films. She is now a serious politician and this is a family show.
Glenda twirls around on her toes. 'Luvvies and darlings', she cries
'wonderful to be with you tonight. it would be absolutely fabulous if you voted for me and
I would love you to bits!' She waves her wand.
'If I was mayor I would use this magic wand to work three miracles. The first would be to
bring a tube station to Hackney.' The audience cheers loudly. 'The second would be that
the streets of Stoke Newington, would be swept clean and free from all doggy poo. People
cheer more loudly and some start to clap.
'The third miracle would be that the dustbins would be emptied every week by Hackney
Council!' The audience goes quiet and then some start shouting. 'That's impossible!
-You're trying to con us.' 'Get off!' A slow handclap starts and grows louder. The
Princess tries to carry on but breaks down in tears and rushes off stage. The wand slips
from her grasp.
A pager bleeps in the wings and onto the stage stumbles Dobbo, the pantomime horse. He is
ridden by the Reverend Tony, who carries a large whip in one hand and a carrot in the
other. A pregnant woman in the front row waves and smiles. Men in suits designed by
Alastair at the House of Millbank lead Dobbo by the nose. He is followed by his groom
Trevor Phillips. The Labour Group on Hackney Council act as stable lads carry buckets and
shovels.
Dobbo starts to speak, reading slowly from a script held by a man with a mobile phone
pressed to his ear. 'Good evening friends. I hope you are well. Thanks to me, waiting
lists at the Homerton are a thing of the past. When we took over the NHS from the Tories
we stood on the brink of disaster, but now we have taken a giant forward.' He loses
his place in the script. 'Er, public and private and public partnership.' 'Fairness not,
um, favours.' Nice weather we're having.' 'Where am I?'
A baby starts to cry and snores be heard from the back of the theatre. The Reverend
Tony starts to whip the horse very hard. Dobbo's hind legs kick out and try to run away.
The front legs pull in the opposite direction. His hooves slip and he collapses. The vicar
lands heavily on the stage. 'I'd sooner be a mare than a mayor', Dobbo whinnies as the red
curtain falls.
After a long interval, during which the sound of a punchup can be heard from behind the
scenes, a weary looking figure enters (extremely) left. Dressed as Dick Whittington, he is
instantly recognised as Red Ken, an actor who usually works in fringe theatre. He is
accompanied by a cat which bears a strong resemblance to Diane Abbott. People in New
Labour's corporate hospitality box start to boo and hiss. The gallery erupts with cheers.
'Comrades! er, sorry, colleagues - I am here tonight to ask you to march with me to prise
our beloved London Underground out of the grasping hands of the evil Baron Moneybags of
Railtrack.' The monotone voice drones on. 'When I represented the People's Republic of
Stoke Newington on the GLC we brought tube fares down and took traffic off the roads.
Tonight I can promise you that if I an elected mayor, all fares will be halved
immediately'
But I will go further. No longer will bus routes be determined by an unelected bunch of
transport bosses. The passengers on any bus will have the democratic right to decide where
they want to be driven. All decisions will be taken by a show of hands. Basically, you
should vote for me.' He gives a cheeky grin.
The orchestra strikes up 'Maybe It's Because I'm A Londoner.' The audience sings along and
Ken is lifted off the stage and carried shoulder high out into Mare Street. Outside the
the theatre an out of work of work actor called Jeffery drags on his roll-up and watches
sadly. A tear runs down his cold cheek as a policeman approaches.
|
. |
