|
p14
Responding to criticism (surely unfounded) that this year's Stoke
Newington Festival reached new heights of pretentious twaddle and obscure happenings,
recently appointed Festival Director Tracey Amen confirmed that she plans a fresh approach
to next year's events.
'The others screwed up big time', she stated. 'All those failed actors, unknown
performance artists, bogus attention - seekers and art students on the make, plus
unreadable language in the programme, really pissed off ordinary people like me who live
around here'. Pushing aside her bacon sandwich, she continued, 'we believe that our sort
should have what they really, really want, not a load of poncy stuff imported by
middle-class tossers who spend more time in the Dordogne than in Dalston.'
She let N16 magazine have a quick peek at some of the main items
next year.
SUNDAY. The Big Day. Grand opening and speech by the Mayor of
London, Ken Livingstone, outside the newly privatised Stoke Newington Town Hall.
Moving into Clissold Park, and accompanied by the Queen Mum, Ken will
inspect the ponds for signs of newt life. In Church Street the stalls will be stocked with
good British food, including fried Mars Bars, prawn cocktails, fish fingers, mushy peas,
creamed rice and custard, bangers and mash. All washed down with traditional fizzy keg
beer, served in a commemorative plastic mug at only £5.00 per pint.
The Stoke Newington Firefighters' Male Voice Choir will perform a medley
of Cockney songs and football chants inside Booth's Bar.
The main event of the day will be the White Van Grand Prix around the
High Street one-way system. Drivers wearing England replica football shirts will force
each other off the road. They steer the van with one hand, the other free for giving the
finger, mobile, and cigarette. The surviving driver and his mate will win a Cross of St
George banner, two tickets to England versus the Faroe Isles in Euro 2004 and a training
course in plastic chair throwing.
Reflecting the area's cultural diversity, the Miss Festival 2001 beauty
contest will be held on the Bouverie Road stage at 3 pm. Local girls, Essex blondes, Asian
lovelies, Afro-Caribbean stunners and Mediterranean brunettes will shimmer before an
appreciative audience.
MONDAY. Let's Go Cruising! A mysterious walk at dusk in Abney Park
Cemetery. Shadowy figures flit behind the gravestones in the boring old boneyard. You may
have a brief encounter of the closest kind.
TUESDAY. Thanks to Superintendent Straw of Stoke Newington Police, the
Festival can offer a Night in the Cells. Stokey's finest will perform an
arrest and body search if you act in a suspicious manner near the police station. You will
be cuffed and then booked by a real desk sergeant before being led to your own private
cell. At 4 am you will be woken and given a mock kicking or 'restraint'. You will be
released without charge at 7am after a good breakfast of hot tea and cold porridge.
Too old at 80? Don't believe it. Sabrina's Sauna and Massage Parlour kindly provides 'Helping
Hands' for senior citizens. Feel the relief. Special Festival offer of £4.99
(plus extras). Men only.
WEDNESDAY. Pissartist Travel of Stamford Hill sponsors a Tour of
Local Pub Toilets. Have you ever felt confused when you are caught short in the
pub after nine pints of lager and a Thai meal? Why is there no toilet seat? Where is the
bog roll? Which is the hot tap and why doesn't it work? Does the door lock? All questions
answered by your highly qualified tour guide an ex-pub landlord. Bring your own air
freshener.
THURSDAY. The Dead Cat Show. Has your moggy recently passed through the
great catflap in the sky? Turn your moment of grief into a window of opportunity. Enter
the competition for the most alternatively beautiful deceased feline friend. Missing ears,
teeth and claws score points. The Gallery, Edward's Lane. All day.
After midnight. The ultimate surreal event. Totally Dark in the Park.
Nothing happens.
FRIDAY. Kylie and her posse of gorgeous gals from Ritzy's of Romford
provide Lap Dancing for Beginners in the Library at 7 pm. Learn a new
skill and liven up your life. No more dreary after dinner chat about GM foods or Euan
Blair. Knock back a bacardi and coke then wriggle around your partner and friends! Women
only.
SATURDAY. World Premiere. Hackney Council proudly presents the Hackney
Bin Dancers. Six (later five, after redundancies) muscular men leap and prance
around the new wheelie bins. Ankle bells and leather boots drum out a magical sound on the
pavement outside your house. Black bags swirling around their bodies, these refuse
operatives cut a dashing scene in the early morning. A 5-minute break will take place as
they take part in a traditional 'withdrawal of labour'. Due to financial cuts, the time of
performances will be announced, changed and then cancelled. This show is due for
privatisation.
And much, much more.
Tracey Amen was talking to Tim Webb |
. |
